Why You Must Acknowledge Your Hurt Feelings

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How much more pleasant life would be if only everyone kept their promises and the people we chose to open our hearts to always valued our feelings as precious gifts.

Imagine that anytime you needed help all you had to do was ask and someone would be there to lend a helping hand without imposing a measure of guilt or an expectation of return.

Of course, life is seldom that simple, but being the eternal optimists that we are we trust and hope for the best, again and again. Sadly, things don’t always work out. Promises are broken, feelings are hurt – and sometimes we are betrayed.

Rather than deal with the discomfort of confrontation, most will choose instead to bury their pain and anger and leave it to accumulate.

The problem is that when we avoid effectively managing our hurt feelings there is a natural tendency over time to alter our behavior so as to do whatever it takes to keep from appearing vulnerable and avoid being hurt again.

Honor your humanness and all of your feelings – the messy ones, the aches, and the pains – because we can’t have the dark without the light. ~Sabrina Harrison

Rationalization: Our #1 Tool to Bury Hurt Feelings

The ritual of burying hurt feelings almost always starts with some sort of rationalization. For example, if you had a difficult childhood, you might tell yourself that there are plenty of dysfunctional families in the world and others had it much harder, after all, you had enough to eat and you were never physically abused.

Oh, lucky, lucky you!

If a lover cheated, you might rationalize the behavior by convincing yourself that underneath the bad behavior your partner really does love you, and there’s been a lot of stress at work and anyone can make a mistake.

Maybe if you just try a little harder, give a little more.

While there’s a lot to be said for keeping things in perspective, it’s equally important to acknowledge and honor your feelings. If you’ve been betrayed, disrespected, or violated in any way, don’t pretend you’re not hurt or angry or try to rationalize your feelings away. Your feelings are real, valid and they matter.

Emotional Trigger(s) Are the Key

Sometimes hurt feelings are the result of a painful betrayal that would rock any one’s world. Other times it may be something that some might consider insignificant.

Whatever it is, if it caused you pain you need to acknowledge it and take some time to understand what’s really going on because what upset you may not even be the real problem.

You see just one of the problems with rationalization is that you can only accept a hurtful situation for so long.

Over time, those emotions you’ve been stuffing away could very well erupt when a completely unrelated incident serves as a tipping point and you suddenly experience an overwhelming feeling of hurt and anger without really understanding why.

When the Behavior Becomes Abusive

It’s not difficult to identify most forms of abusive triggers such as outright insults, yelling or swearing, but it’s much harder to recognize the subtle “death by a thousand insect bites” type of verbal abuse.

Just to clarify, something is verbally abusive if it demeans, or sends a message that the recipient is “less than” what they should be AND is unsolicited.

In some ways subtle verbal abuse can be even more damaging than more obvious forms because it’s something you may experience dozens of times a day and the sender is almost always someone in a position of trust such as a family member or spouse so there will be a tendency to believe the slights and ridicule, in time seriously eroding your confidence and creating confusion, embarrassment, and anxiety as you begin to see yourself as unimportant.

Very often verbal abusers become masters at manipulation. My ex-husband was a verbal abuser and he had a one-two punch approach where he would deliver a dig and quickly follow it with, “Oh, don’t be so sensitive, I was just joking.”

It’s worth noting that some people are critical by nature or habitually speak using subtle verbal abuse because they don’t know how to phrase things in constructive ways, or they are insecure or disillusioned with their own lives to take their misery out on those around them.

But conscious or not, abuse is never justified and you should never feel it is your fault, so you need to acknowledge the behavior and stop the cycle.

The problem with hurtful words is they can return to one’s thoughts, years after they’ve been callously thrown at you. They replay in your mind, spiking a sense of remembered pain – not unlike a nightmare where you wake up crying. ~Author Unknown

Learn to Communicate Your Feelings

Letting someone know they’ve hurt your feelings or offended you doesn’t have to be intimidating or overwhelming if you will plan ahead.

Be honest and straightforward and don’t drag up previous incidents or use phrases such as “you always.” Focus on precisely what has happened that has upset you and explain your reasoning. Listen carefully to their response. Perhaps there is something for you to learn.

If the person argues or becomes aggressive, walk away rather than allowing them to manipulate your feelings and behavior. You may need to seek counseling, or other outside assistance, particularly if the sender is a spouse.

This is about taking back your power and you will feel proud of yourself if you can be clear and honest, even if the outcome doesn’t turn out exactly the way you hope it will.

Understand Healing Takes Time

Some hurts are obviously unintentional and easily forgiven once they are acknowledged.

Other more serious or long-standing wounds take time, the willingness to go through a process of self-discovery, and the understanding that sometimes the only way to heal a deep seeded hurt is to let go of a situation or relationship that no longer serves you.

Always know the difference between what you’re getting and what you deserve. ~Author Unknown

Relationships can be challenging under the best of circumstances, which is why it is so important to do the work to establish healthy personal boundaries. No one else can do that for you.

If you genuinely feel wronged by somebody else, you are the person responsible for making them aware. It helps us all when we’re willing to teach each other to be better and not shy away from it because it is painful or embarrassing.

Honoring your hurt feelings isn’t a sign of weakness and it doesn’t mean you’re giving in to them. Indeed, the process of acknowledging your feelings and working through them will leave you feeling more confident and freer than ever since you will no longer be lugging around the baggage of those long-buried emotions.

Will you be the passenger or the driver in your life journey?

About Marquita A. Herald

Marquita is an author, resilience coach and the chief evangelist at Emotionally Resilient Living. She’s also an unapologetic workaholic who loves red wine, rock n’ roll, road trips (and car dancing!), peanut butter cookies and (especially) a dog named Lucy.

She’s saddened and frustrated by excuses and cruelty and believes authentic compassion is the most powerful force in the world.

To learn more about Marquita and the mission of Emotionally Resilient Living click “here“.

Tags: Emotional Resilience, hurt feelings, Self Awareness