Your habitually late friend has yet again left you waiting and ruined plans for the evening. It’s frustrating and hurtful, but you’ve given up trying to fix your friend so you suck it up and let it go.

Your mother volunteers you to help with a fundraiser at church. You are already up to your eyeballs in commitments, but you don’t want to rock the boat so you don’t say anything.

You’ve asked your sister-in-law, again and again, to please call to see if you are available rather than just showing up to drop her kids off for you to babysit.

She always says next time for sure, but next time it’s the same. Her thoughtless behavior inconveniences you and ramps up your stress level, but to keep peace in the family you put up with it.

No matter how justified, standing up for yourself and speaking your mind in a clear yet respectful way can be surprisingly hard even on a good day. We worry that if we ask for what we need, we’ll put someone out, or that we’ll come across as being selfish or arrogant.

So we just keep putting our feelings and needs aside and muddle through the best we can.

To live assertively, which means to live authentically, is an act of high courage. That is why so many people spend the better part of their lives hiding their true feelings from others and from themselves. ~Nathanial Branden

The Nature of Healthy Assertiveness

Assertiveness is about being able to express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas in an honest way that is authentic to you and at the same time respectful of the rights and feelings of others.

Healthy assertive communication can help you:

• Gain self-confidence and self-esteem.
• Earn respect from others.
• Establish healthy boundaries.
• Create win-win situations.
• Improve your decision-making skills.
• Create honest relationships.
• Gain more job satisfaction.

Some people are lucky enough to have been raised in families that modeled healthy assertiveness, but most of us learn to speak up for ourselves (or not) over the years the hard way, by simple trial and error.

Of course, it’s not just what you say but also how you say it that matters.

In the example given about the sister-in-law dropping off her kids, the conversation might go as follows:

“I have to run some errands can you watch the kids today?

A typical passive reply might be:

“Well, I have a lot of work to do today and Jeff is bringing his boss home for dinner tonight, but if you’re in a bind I’ll figure out a way to make it all work.

An aggressive reply would sound like:

“Why do you always do this to me? Can’t you find someone else to watch the kids for a change, do you think I just sit around and watch television all day?”

A more appropriate yet assertive response would have been:

“No. I’m not going to be able to help you today as I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

The person responding passively is willing to set aside their own priorities to comply with the request … essentially saying that their needs and feelings are unimportant.

The aggressive response is unkind and makes it clear they don’t care about feelings and is sure to put the other person on the defensive.

The last response is simple and to the point, yet respectful. There is no need to offer apologies or excuses to justify your behavior.

Of course, there will naturally be variations of these patterns.

For example, someone who suffers from low self-esteem may develop a passive-aggressive approach where they appear to be agreeable, but then express their resentment by looking for subtle ways to undermine you.

How to Be Effectively Assertive

Here are a few steps to help you develop your assertiveness communication skills:

Be Clear and Straightforward

The way you communicate your message really does matter. Take the time to clarify in your own mind the point you want to make and then keep the message simple and straightforward. This will help you to remain calm, and the calmer you are the more confident you will appear (even if your stomach is doing flip-flops).

So, the next time you make plans to meet your always-late-friend you might say something as simple as,

“I’m really looking forward to this evening. I’ll wait 10 minutes for you where we agreed and if you aren’t there then I’ll just go on without you and maybe you can catch up with me later.”

No explanations or excuses; simply make the statement in a calm but firm manner.

Of course, the only way to make this work is for you to actually leave after 10 minutes if they aren’t there!

Keep Emotions in Check

Most people will do almost anything to avoid the risk of a confrontation, which is one of the key reasons we so often fail to stand up for our rights.

Maybe it’s not even the conflict itself as much as the fear of embarrassing yourself by becoming emotional or crying.

While this is a perfectly human response, it can prevent you from clearly communicating your thoughts and feelings in a way that will improve the situation.

If you begin tensing up or feeling emotional, do whatever you can to give yourself some space and a little time to steady your nerves and practice what you want to say in a calm and confident manner.

Use ‘I’ Statements

Using “I” statements let others know what you’re thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory.

For instance, say, “I disagree,” rather than, “You’re wrong.” If you have a request, say “I would like you to help with this” rather than “You need to do this.” Keep your requests simple, specific and non-judgmental.

Use Assertive Body Language

Communication is not just what you say; your whole body communicates your feelings and state of mind.

You may be saying ‘no’ but if you’re obviously anxious, looking down, not making eye contact and fidgeting, then your body language is saying loud and clear that you want to be anywhere else but there and that means you could be pressured into changing your mind.

Assertive body language is maintaining eye contact, but in a calm way that shows you are interested. Avoid interrupting, ask for more information and leave yourself time to think rather than instantly agreeing or disagreeing.

Check for Understanding

Just because someone is looking at you, maybe even nodding as you speak, doesn’t mean they are really hearing or understanding (let alone agreeing with!) what you are saying.

In fact, there’s a good chance that the other person is more focused on what they are going to say in reply than paying attention to you.

So ask questions, check for understanding and really listen when the other person is responding.

Start Small

Begin by practicing your new skills in situations that are low risk. For example, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work or with family. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.

Effective communication requires more than an exchange of information. When done right, communication fosters understanding, strengthens relationships, and builds trust. ~Liz Papadopoulos

Final Thoughts

Let’s be honest, there is nothing new about the concept of assertiveness, and the benefits to your physical and emotional health are well documented. And yet, most people will continue to choose the path of least resistance rather than stand up for their own rights.

Keep in mind that assertiveness isn’t just about dealing with conflict or the thoughtless behavior of others. It is a core communication skill that fosters healthy relationships based on mutual respect, beginning with YOU.

The very process of developing an assertive style of communication forces you to become clear in your own mind (Possibly for the first time!) about your values, wants and needs in order to effectively express your feelings and rights confidently, without anxiety or guilt.

Your Turn: What type of challenges have you experienced when attempting to communicate assertively? What has or hasn’t worked for you when it comes to standing up for your rights?

Related reading:

• Overcoming Our Inability to Say ‘No”
• How to Have Conversations That Matter

Let today be the day you give up who you’ve been for who you want to be.

About Marquita Herald

Marquita is an author, resilience coach and the chief evangelist at Emotionally Resilient Living. She’s also an unapologetic workaholic who loves red wine, rock n’ roll, road trips (and car dancing!), peanut butter cookies and (especially) a dog named Lucy.

She’s saddened and frustrated by excuses and cruelty and believes authentic compassion is the most powerful force in the world.

To learn more about Marquita and the mission of Emotionally Resilient Living click “here“.

Tags: Accountability, Assertive, Assertiveness, Communication, Confidence, Self Awareness