Personal Boundaries Teach People How to Treat You

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The most important thing for you to embrace about boundaries is that they are not about punishing or controlling others, they are meant to be used as guidelines for what is – and is not – acceptable in your life. They help you to maintain balance and protect your body, mind, emotions and time from harmful or unwelcome demands of others.

When you lack strong personal boundaries you risk undermining your integrity and self-respect as well as the respect of those around you. Not surprisingly you also tend to attract controlling, disrespectful, or needy people into your life.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• You say yes even when you really want to say no.
• You feel guilty when you do say no.
• You act against your core values to keep the peace.
• You don’t stand up for yourself when someone mistreats you.
• You give too much just to be liked or included.
• You allow people to say or do things to you that make you uncomfortable.
• You expect that the people closest to you will somehow just know without you saying anything when they’ve done something to upset or offend you.

Unfortunately, some people avoid setting boundaries in the misguided belief that always making themselves available is the way to win the love and respect of others. The problem is that every act of compliance, self-denial, or neediness chips away at the respect others have for them, in effect undermining the very things they want most.

If you are accustomed to accommodating and being compliant, the process of setting and implementing boundaries may feel threatening and unnatural at first, but if you stick with it then you’ll find it gets much easier in time and there’s no question the reward is well worth the effort!

Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

It Begins with You

The process of setting personal boundaries begins with you first accepting that you not only deserve to have boundaries but they are a critical element of self-care. Secondly, you must accept that you have the right to set them. This may sound strange to you, but I have known people who genuinely didn’t realize this was an option!

In fact, you not only have the right, but the responsibility to determine how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not.

There will naturally be occasions when someone genuinely needs your help and asks with respect, and after all, there’s a big difference between firm and inflexible. Accept that it will take time, some experimenting and probably a few missteps, but you will learn how to make the distinction between an acceptable request and one that puts you in jeopardy of backsliding.

Identify Your Needs

Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy or personal power is the next step and will require you to invest some time to become more self-aware. Begin by identifying patterns of repeated situations or behavior that leave you feeling resentful, energy drained, battling an upset stomach, or depressed.

As you identify specific situations, I want you to write them down in a notebook, better yet a personal journal. Don’t worry about your writing ability, this exercise is meant to help you clarify what is really going on. The reason this is important is that more often than we realize something (or someone) becomes a hot button for us, but it isn’t really the issue at all.

For example, you may be focusing a lot of negative energy on your sister for her habit of dropping her kids off for you to watch without ever asking or calling in advance. The real issue isn’t your sister, it’s that you don’t feel respected and are under the mistaken belief that just because she is a relative you are trapped and can’t say no. Well, here’s the good news … you are absolutely allowed to set boundaries with family!

Define Your Boundaries

If you’re new to setting boundaries I recommend you start small. Even if you have one area that is making you crazy, it’s better to focus on a behavior or situation that is non-threatening so that you can become comfortable with the process of identifying and clearly communicating your needs.

The mistake many people make when they first begin setting long-overdue boundaries is coming from a place of frustration and resentment, and this is a sure recipe for failure and unnecessary conflict. Creating strong, sustainable boundaries has everything to do with your attitude going in, so it’s much better to approach this process with compassion for others as well as yourself.

Using your notebook or journal, define the boundary you want to work with along with what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior – in other words, this is where you decide where you draw the line.

Communicating Your Boundaries

When it’s time to implement your new boundary let your experience and comfort level guide you. Rather than making a formal declaration out of the blue, one way to go about this is to take advantage of a typical scenario of the unacceptable behavior.

Let’s go back to the sister. Since you’ve accommodated her behavior in the past, it probably isn’t a good idea to suddenly slam the door in her face the next time she drops by. But what you can do is get her kids settled, and then ask for a couple of minutes of her time before she leaves. Then explain that you always enjoy seeing her and the kids (even if you don’t, grin and bear it at this point), but you really need her help by asking in advance if you’re going to be available to watch the kids. Use your own words, be kind, but don’t feel you have to explain yourself or apologize.

Some people will try to make you feel guilty in order to manipulate you into doing something they want, but if you trust in yourself and believe that you are doing the right thing, then you’ll see that the problem is theirs, not yours. ~Author Unknown

Overcome Guilt and Resistance

Be prepared, you’ll have to be ready to make tough choices to change your lifestyle and guilt is the most common obstacle when it comes to taking care of yourself. Just keep reminding yourself why you established your boundaries in the first place.

There may also be some defensiveness and push-back from those involved – which of course will add to your guilt. Most people will get used to your new boundaries over time, but some may fall away as a result of your new outlook and demand for respect. That really is okay because you don’t want people who compromise your values, integrity and self-respect in your life anyway.

Trust and Believe in Yourself

No one knows better what you need, want, and value than you. Don’t let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities, and individuality as well as those of others. Set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, and then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them.

Be Patient

Accept that this change will not happen overnight. Disengaging from the emotions and beliefs that led you to accept weak boundaries requires patience and practice.

The good news is that as you define and implement personal boundaries in your life you will begin to feel more empowered and self-confident because you are communicating your self-worth to those around you. The more you practice holding fast to your boundaries, the more love, respect, and support you will find in your life.

Related:

• Faulty Beliefs: The Lies We Tell Ourselves
• Are Feelings of Unworthiness Sabotaging Your Confidence?

Let today be the day you give up who you’ve been for who you can become.

About Marquita Herald

Marquita is an author, resilience coach and the chief evangelist at Emotionally Resilient Living. She’s also an unapologetic workaholic who loves red wine, rock n’ roll, road trips (and car dancing!), peanut butter cookies and (especially) a dog named Lucy.

She’s saddened and frustrated by excuses and cruelty and believes authentic compassion is the most powerful force in the world.

To learn more about Marquita and the mission of Emotionally Resilient Living  click “here“.

Tags: Finding Balance, Intentional Living, Personal Boundaries, Self Awareness, Self-Care