7 Common Misconceptions About Emotional Resilience
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More has been written about emotional resilience in the last 3 years than in the previous thirty years combined, and yet there remains a surprising number of misconceptions, as a result, many are reluctant (if not downright resistant) to view the concept as anything other than yet another “self-help” buzzword.
But consider this, the research on psychological resilience has been ongoing for nearly four decades, and has expanded from the early focus on childhood trauma and recovering from a crisis, to recognizing that highly resilient people tend to be healthier and live longer, are more successful in school and work, are happier in relationships and are less prone to depression.
If you have any doubts about the value of cultivating resilience in your life, I hope you’ll take a couple of minutes to consider the following points.
“Life doesn’t get easier and more forgiving; we become stronger and more resilient.”
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Understanding Emotional Resilience
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MISCONCEPTION #1 – IT’S JUST MORE POSITIVE THINKING NONSENSE
Let’s get this one out of the way immediately. It’s fair to say that positive psychology is not accepted by everyone. In fact, some consider it to be outright nonsense and not only scoff at people who buy into it but claim the pursuit of happiness and all those associated good feelings, is, in reality, making people more miserable than ever. On the other hand, there is plenty of solid scientific research that indicates such things as optimism, humor and hope have tremendous emotional as well as physical benefits.
Regardless of where you happen to fall in this debate, the critical thing to understand about resilience is that while positive thinking absolutely plays a role, it is just one element of a balanced approach to living and managing life’s challenges.
It is worth noting, however, that those who are highly resilient tend to naturally experience more positive emotions as a result of a sense of confidence in their ability to control the quality and course of their own life.
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MISCONCEPTION #2 – EITHER YOU HAVE IT OR YOU DON’T
While it is true that some individuals seem to remain unflappable regardless of what life throws at them, we are all born with some level of psychological and physical resilience. How much depends on things that naturally contribute to personality development, such as heredity, environment, and social factors.
The critical thing to keep in mind is that anyone can increase their capacity for resilience, but it isn’t developed in a vacuum, nor is it a skill one can just pick up like learning to ride a bicycle. It is developed over time and the most effective way to do that is to learn to build your capacity on a day-to-day basis rather than waiting to be blindsided by a crisis and hoping for the best.
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MISCONCEPTION #3 – IT’S PREPARING FOR A CRISIS THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN
Many people believe that intentionally developing resilience is a waste of time, like preparing for a crisis that may or may not ever happen and the primary reason for this misconception has to do with the early research on the concept which did, in fact, focus on childhood trauma and recovery from crisis situations.
However over the years researchers have continued to broaden their studies and now realize that ‘resilience skills’ not only provide people with a confidence and fortitude that they can use to cope when life gets tough, it also helps people flourish and be proactive in their day-to-day lives.
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MISCONCEPTION #4 – IT’S ABOUT BEING TOUGH
This depiction of resilience is widespread and, in fact, the word “tough” is often used in definitions. But the term is misleading because the implication is that resilience is all about “manning up” when in fact it’s much more about flexibility and inner strength.
My favorite analogy is the difference between the sturdy oak tree and the fragile-appearing bamboo. The oak tree appears outwardly impressive and powerful, but when pummeled with persistent wind and rain it will eventually succumb to the elements because it lacks the flexibility to withstand the ongoing pressure. On the other hand, the bamboo tree may look fragile as it gently moves and sways with the breeze, but it has an inner strength that makes it capable of enduring bitterly cold winters and extremely hot summers and is often the only tree left standing in the aftermath of a typhoon. It is the combination of inner strength, deep roots and flexibility that enables bamboo to withstand heavy wind and rain, and to remain standing long after the storm has passed.
Resilience is about growing through all of your experiences and making peace with such things as uncertainty, change and fear, knowing that, no matter what obstacles you may face in life, you will be okay.
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MISCONCEPTION #5 – HAVING IT MEANS FEWER PROBLEMS
It’s not that those who are highly resilient experience fewer of life’s hard knocks; it’s that they choose not to let circumstances define them. They are able to move forward because they have a purpose beyond themselves, transcending stress and uncertainty and perceiving hard times as what they are … temporary.
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MISCONCEPTION #6 – ADVERSITY MAKES PEOPLE STRONGER
We all love stories about people who have experienced positive change in their lives after struggling with a crisis, a process called post-traumatic growth. But the important thing to understand is that this growth did not come about as a result of the adverse situation, but rather from how they responded to the experience. In the words of extreme survivor and motivational speaker W. Mitchell, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do about it.” We gain strength and confidence by how we choose to overcome life’s challenges.
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MISCONCEPTION #7 – IT’S YOU AGAINST THE WORLD
Although the focus is typically on the individual when discussing resilience, an important, but often overlooked building block to the process, is cultivating a healthy support group.
We can all benefit from social and emotional support from time to time and while it may seem counterintuitive, having strong support system can actually make you better able to cope with problems on your own, by improving your confidence and sense of self-empowerment.
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How resilient are you now? Only you can answer that question, but there will be some pretty compelling clues in the way you handle unexpected change, stress and the demands of life on a day-to-day basis. If you consider that the traits associated with emotional resilience include confident decision making, persistence, a sense of meaning and purpose in your life, an optimistic outlook and a clear connection to your values and priorities, it’s easy to see that this isn’t a single goal but rather a lifestyle choice.
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